Becoming Beautiful

The early morning hours are slow like honey. I feel my blood coursing through my veins and I can feel each heartbeat, its so powerful, so loud I wonder if she would be able to hear it as well. The sun is just over the horizon lazily waiting to appear over the crest and I am anticipating its rise. I stop myself from getting anxious and I just stare out of my living room window. Another minute lost to forever and I stand here just looking out into darkness waiting for light.

As I stare out into what seems like oblivion I think of all the things that soon will be. I await that beautiful moment when life will be bursting forth from the seams. That light that will soon be cresting is every moment I feel waiting for time to pass so that I can be alone with you. Every waking moment is crushing, I go through the pains of getting dressed, tying my shoes, brushing my teeth, even eating is a chore, all meaningless moments devoid of feeling, I am present but only in the ghostly sense. These moments are robotic, I only do them because I have to and they will eventually lead me to you.

I walk the 28 steps from the front door to my car door. I open the car door, place keys in the ignition and turn the motor. The motor comes alive with a low rumble and hum, it moves and breathes and does all the things I do except I am supposed to feel like something more than a machine, yet these days its all I feel. Movements of stop, go, repeat, they all just blur into each other and all I can do to keep myself from going insane is remind myself that it is only temporary. Only one thousand, eight hundred and twenty five days left, only 43,800 hours, only 2,628,000 minutes left and I can feel each second as I am dragged along willingly but painstakingly.

Every night I dream of that moment, where the sun comes up on the horizon, on crystal blue waters and white sand beaches, and you, everything else is secondary. I see your face and it radiates with beauty that the sun could never replicate, I touch your hand and I feel home. I see your eyes and suddenly every moment that pained me and my life before is suddenly gone, not that I cannot remember them but erased, removed by that deep stare of bright blue eyes, I am looking at purity, at beauty my love, burning bright, twin flame.

Then suddenly an alarm goes off and I am torn from my comfort, my source of joy and I placed back into the monotony of life, drab existence, hues of gray and black making everything feel so dead, so far from everything I need. But I know that moments in time have us together, in the future, I can stand anything if I know its going to end. I am just waiting for everything to become beautiful again. I am waiting for you.


https://soundcloud.com/noosamusic/walk-on-by