Ok So I start thinking about the last few years and maybe things weren't always as easy as they could have been and I definite now that I wasn't always as good to her as I should have been. It starts to set in, the realization that this is not entirely a sudden impact but rather a building of issues that slowly eroded away at our foundations until there was nothing but a crumbling outline of what used to be a happy home. I sit here thinking about picking up my used glass of scotch and refilling it again, or maybe walking to the corner store to pick up another pack of cigarettes, but self imposed destruction isn't quite something that I feel I want to do to myself right now, I am already in so much pain it would be almost too much to bare. I decide to stew in my own misery and look blankly into the television set. Its been about 20 hours and I go from fear that she won't call to anger and now I am sitting here baffled that she hasn't contacted me, no email, no phone call, and no text. All of the world has gone silent, the chatter has ceased and I can hear my labored breathing. Solitude you are my unwelcome guest I can only hope you do not stay here long.
Over 26 hours have passed and time is non-existent here where I am. I am sitting in my space, watching as things come tumbling down in front of me. There is no meaning here and I am completely alone, even my thoughts have fled this moment. I couldn't even think of sleep as of now, it would be too comfortable, too soothing and I am not quite sure but I do think that I am not deserving of that luxury.
47 hours and now things are starting to get interesting. I start thinking of all the things I would say to her if she were here right now. I begin thinking of all the things I would do or say if she were on the phone. Not so strange in and of itself but the part that has me worried is that I start imagining all the things she would say to me if she saw me this way, what she would say if she were here or even on the phone. One second I am smiling sadly to myself imagining her voice the other I am hearing her berate me for being so depressed.
"What are you doing? Are you Crying? Or is it that you want to cry? Why don't you cry for once, be a man, do something other than sit there thinking to yourself about everything. Such a person of action, why don't you grow up? Oh wait, did I go too far? I don't think I have gone far enough. You brought this all upon yourself you know...." She says.
"I know, I know, I am sorry, stop yelling at me, stop please. I didn't mean for things to end up this way." I cry
Suddenly her voice is gone and I am looking up at an empty room that only makes me ball worse. I cherish even our arguments that I imagine. I could only dream of asking her for forgiveness and being able to look into her eyes.
Delirium has long since set in and from the lack of sleep I have become increasingly detached from reality. I am now listening to all of our albums that we purchased together. I pull a vinyl out of the sleeve with half lit cigarette dangling from my lips dangerously, as ash falls from cigarette to the album covers. I lay the vinyl down without caution let the needle drop onto the grooves and turn the volume up to unnatural levels. 73 hours now and I have been listening to music for so long I can't remember when the last time I had a drink of water was and the last time I went to the restroom. I have been imbibing spirits liberally for hours and vomiting when my body can handle no more. I still hear her and what she might say or do, especially when one of her favorite songs is played. I hear her voice singing along to the songs, I remember the first time we heard those songs. I sat on the couch watching her mouth move and we let the sounds drown out everything that was going on around us. The memories are like small earthquakes shattering my world again and again.
There is a knocking outside. I am afraid to answer. I am not sure why, I have nothing illegal and nothing to hide but there is something menacing about the way they are knocking at the door. I don't like people knocking at my door this way. I haven't slept, I am far too drunk to speak and I do believe I smell badly. I will have to take a shower now before I can answer the door. I run to the restroom terrified of the person on the other end of that door. I get undressed in a paranoid state looking around everywhere. Not sure what I am looking for but it might be there just right outside my peripheral vision. I climb into the shower and douse the scent of alcohol, tobacco and fear off of me. I am feeling better, almost sleepy.
"Crrrracccckkkkkkkk" The door explodes. Sounding like one of those overdramatized action movies with wood splintering all over my apartment knocking things over as men in uniforms are running towards me. At first I think I am hallucinating, but no its real men with guns drawn, its all over now. Some rush towards me others are perusing around my apartment looking through stuff, turning down the volume on my stereo system while shouting words at me. I can hear nothing right now, everything has become a dull buzz and I cannot understand anything they are saying. They are in my face asking me things I cannot answer. My only response to everything they say and do is to shake my head from left to right. Minutes later there are EMT's poking and prodding me still asking questions I have no response for. Finally after examining me like a criminal in some interrogation room they leave me be. They write on a piece of paper that I am not allowed to play my music so loud and to quit setting off the buildings fire alarms with excessive cigarette smoke. A disaster averted, I walk naked to my couch sit down and stare into the blank television set, its been almost 88 hours now.
Its almost time I go to court.